Welcome to my next installment.
Firstly, let me apologize at how long it’s taken to write this next installment, I know many of you have been patiently waiting and I thank you so much for that. Some parts of this blog have been very difficult to write. When I’m explaining to someone face to face I can talk about anything and everything all day long, but writing about it I have found has set off a whole heap of different emotions but it’s Okay, Its finished! It’s quite long as there was a lot to cover, there’s still a lot that’s been left out as i’m only writing a blog not a book! Ha! But grab a cuppa and get comfy…..
In my last blog I spoke about my childhood and my sexual abuse, how it all started, the bullying and the lack of relationship with my mother. I finished at around 17 years old and now talk about from 18-26…
So, I had not long turned 18 and mother was in yet another relationship ( Keith ) and had been for around 6 months. I had only met him a few times but I didn’t really like him. He was strange. And not her usual type. Which is why I was confused after 8 months of being with him she wants to give up the only home I known for 18 years and a council house to move in with a man she’s known for less than a year and someone her child doesn’t like. You’d think any normal mother would put her child first. It didn’t make sense, so one day I asked her, “what was her reasoning for this move”. Her reply was “ Well you’re 18 now, I’ve done my job. I’m need to live my life now. It’s time for me to settle down”. At the time I thought that was a normal reply as throughout the years all I’ve heard is “ I’m responsible for you until your 18, unless you move out you live by my rules”. And that was that.
You just have to look at her Ex’s to know she had a type and Keith was not it. She all of a sudden she changed her type of man and looking at Keith kind of backed that up. He was a business man, wore a suit everyday. Had enough money to be buying a house hence the all of a sudden move. The bottom line was: He had money. That was her reasoning. So we packed up and moved to Colchester with a man she’s known for less than a year. I found job in a nightclub and I loved it, until I had to give it up to look after this dear ol’mother of mine.
One afternoon around 4 months of living in Colchester. I had friend over and we were all about to go out with mother, we got in the car, seat belts on, about to reverse off the drive and she says “ My head feels funny” in an instance her body is flung back in her seat, everything went stiff. She was making weird sounds and noises, her eyes rolled back, I remember her fingers going like crows feet and her body was tensing up and fitting. I’m glad this didn’t a couple of minutes later because she would have been driving. An ambulance was called and she was rushed to hospital. She was having a brain haemorrhage. One of her blood vessels in her brain had burst and was in intensive care, that’s were she remained for 3 weeks until they woke her up.
When she eventually got released I had to give up work to look after her as she couldn’t walk as her muscles had seized and she couldn’t hardly talk, she could barely even hold her own head up. She needed round the clock care and I had to give up my job to look after her. At the time I didn’t mind, I didn’t know she knew about my childhood at this point and my thinking was “ this is my mother whose brought me into this world for the last 18 years, its kinda my duty to look after her” and so I did.
It wasn’t easy. Everything you do for a baby I had to do for her in her 50’s. Bath her, Toilet her, Clean her, Dress her, Feed her as well as the Shopping, Cooking, Cleaning, Running all the errands etc etc I never got no help from Keith as he was working all the time and then when he got home he’d eat dinner id cooked and go sit in his office for the night. This continued for a couple of months until he grew the balls to say that we had to move out. He saw her as damaged goods and didn’t want to go through the hassle of caring for her and didn’t want to be with her no more but at the same time he didn’t want to help us move either and between us we had no income. Things became awkward around the house, I asked about getting my job back which she wasn’t happy about. Apparently, didn’t want to be left on her own with him which made me suspicious and worry. Why would she say something like that? But I called work and cancelled the reconsideration for my position back.
One week, he left a note saying his gone away for the week for business. We were glad as by this point we were sick of the sight of him. It actually turned out that he met a new women from America and spent the week at hers. Whilst he was away the electric and heating went off and he wasn’t answering his calls. I was trying to keep us warm with blankets and candles and normal chitchat for entertainment. Take away for food but rationing so it lasted 2 days as he still wasn’t answering his phone. Turned out he hadn’t paid the bill. Out of anger and having a rant I blurted out “ if I had the balls id go on the game and get us out of here” It was an off the cuff comment. I was desperate at the time. I had enough with looking after her, clearing poo up everyday, re-making beds because she pissed herself again, the endless list of things to do all the damn time! The nagging, the shoulder to cry on, the verbal punch bag because she’s having a bad day! And I get that not being able to care for yourself, or not being able to support yourself or the not being able to get out of bed and lack of independence and mobility has left you feeling a little worse for ware but I’m here, no one else is! I get that she was frustrated but she never once understood my frustration of my life is on hold for you, I should be enjoying the most important years of my life exploring and partying, making my own mistakes and being irresponsible and travelling before I have to adult myself later on in life! I could of really done without her spiteful words. It was always about her and her life. I felt she was being selfish and unappreciative and I was just about done with looking after her. So yes, at that point, I would have done whatever it took to get her out of here and recovered so she can stop being so bitter towards me like as if its my fault she was in this situation, she wouldn’t be saying these things if she was well. But the idea of it was frightening and shrugged it straight off once I had calmed down. I explained to her that I’m going to have to go back to work, and explained to her that I couldn’t do both looking after her and earn money to get us out of here and said that I will look into getting a carer to come in whilst I’m at work. She wasn’t happy about this and started sulking. She made 1001 excuses of why I couldn’t leave her. I explained she would be safe and that carers would come in a few times a day to check on her. I also got the 1001 reasons why she didn’t want carers one inc. that she didn’t want strangers coming in and “touching” her. We had a long discussion where I explained that if I got my job back how long it would take to make the minimum for a deposit on somewhere to live and that I cannot work and look after her at the same time as she would be left on her own for too long. She eventually came around and agreed to some carers. In the early hours of that night I could hear her crying so I rushed down as I thought something serious was wrong but she was crying over the carers. When I say crying, I mean in a complete sobbing mess. A pyramid of used tissues beside her, face streaming with tears, eyes all red and inaudible blubbering, “ Please don’t make me let strangers touch me” over and over. I felt awful and told her that I wont and I’ll find another way just to calm her down and went to make her a cup of tea. By the time I came back she had her laptop out and said she wants to show me something. She started off with “ I’m so sorry to ask, It’s not something I want you doing as you are my daughter but we are desperate and I’ll never ask anything of you again” She added “ Just until we can find somewhere to live, to get out of here, were obviously not wanted here” She turned her laptop around and it was an escort website. I told her No id rather do my old job than to do that job. I explained I was confident I was going to get it back because I was good at my job and they were sad to see me leave. All you have to do is allow the carers to come in, so I can earn the money” Her face screwed up and started crying again with more indubitable blubbering. God knows what the neighbours must of thought at 3 am?! I was at the end of my tether, I was tired and just told her to leave it with me, let me look into it properly and how it works etc but not tonight, you need to give me a few days. She calmed down and went to sleep.
I went back to bed and now too awake to fall back to sleep so I investigated the site she had found. I saw heaps of profiles and what they had written about themselves. I saw that you could work from home and got to choose which customers you want to see and those you don’t. The sites safety feature meant that you’re always protect where your personal safety was concerned. Mentality it seemed easy but I couldn’t physically imagine myself with someone face to face, so decided I had to try and convince her to having a carer.
I invited 2 female carers without her knowing. When she saw them she was instantly in a fitting state of crying, almost like a 2 year old having a tantrum. It was actually quite embarrassing. I explained to the nurses that I need to get back to work and need some rest bite now and then but she doesn’t want me to leave or she doesn’t want careers, she’s obviously confused at what you do exactly so can you help just answer any questions she has to put her mind at ease otherwise at this rate were going to be homeless… They politely accepted and requested I wasn’t in the room which was fine as I hoped she would open up and clear up any worries she may have but to embarrassed to say in front of me… After 15mins or so, the living room doors opens and the nurse says “ I’m sorry, we can’t offer care at this moment because we cant give care to those who decline it” She added “ because we may have to see your mother undressed time to time she feels its too embarrassing for her to face at the moment” And then they left. I was so frigging angry at her I stormed in and shouted “ WHY WONT YOU COMPRISMISE WITH ME!!!” They haven’t even got to see you naked, Your freaking arms semi work – if your that worried – USE THEM – It might even help your arms get stronger so you can start moving yourself – its like you don’t want to recover!!! Now it was my turn to be in a blubbering mess. I stormed back out the room and went to my bedroom and sobbed my heart out. I wanted to be out there living my life exploring and making new friends, not this. I felt so trapped because I cant just get up and say fuck this and leave because she’s a fucking vegetable incapable of wiping her own fucking arse! If I leave god knows how long she’ll be left there for considering twatty Keith still wasn’t home yet. I cried myself to sleep and got woken up to her calling for me. As I’m walking down the stairs I had this feeling of fuck it, your obviously not going to help me out on this, life’s hard enough without the constant battle with you, something had switched off inside me, it was like I knew there was no way out. I was the only one looking after her. I had no help. Who was I going to turn to? There was no one. Plus I kinda knew what was coming. This poxy website malarkey again. I just knew.
Pushed the door open and she says I need a drink and need a wee. As I was sorting her out I could just feel she was heading for that subject. She says “ Why don’t you make us both a cuppa T and see what biscuits there is and we’ll sit and have a chat” I knew exactly what was coming.
She starts off with, “ I know you don’t want to do this job but we kind of don’t have many other options. In life sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good, there’s been plenty of times as a parent I’ve had to do the same for you but its what you do for those that you love. You do whatever it takes for family…” The nerve of this women! Like as if I haven’t done enough for you as it is!! We’ll I felt like I had anyway. It had me questioning myself whether I have done enough or not. She seems to at ease asking her daughter to do such a job, I dunno maybe its normal. Maybe that’s why it does seem easy for her.
She then showed me a profile from the escort website, I thought it was an example profile but turned out to be a profile for me, with all my details and some face pictures. I was angry as hell as she didn’t even asked me! She conveniently reminded me about the greater good and how I will give her hope if I just gave it a try. The thought of a happier her is what sold it for me. Her daily negativity was drowning me! So I said Okay and to give me a few days to prepare myself and went to bed. The next morning I could hear creaking noises coming from the living room. She had managed to get herself to the loo. Didn’t manage to get back in bed mind but its a great step to recovery. I instantly thought that if she can do that then maybe in a week or two she can get to the loo and back to bed herself and I can go back to work. But, It was quickly shut down with a laptop screen being shoved in my face with a long list of emails. She was all excited about being able to move herself and she was all happy with herself so with these emotions she decided to show me what I thought it was loads of individual emails but it was a conversation between her posing as me and an potential client. She explained that she had told him that I’m nervous as its my first time doing this and that I wasn’t very experienced. She said He was happy with this and wanted to arrange a booking for TODAY! She looked at me like a little excited child and asked “ Do you think you can be ready today?” I said to her “ that I said to give me a few days and that I couldn’t do it this soon” She just said “ Ah you’ll be fine, think of the money and getting out of this place or dont you care about me getting better” I couldn’t be bothered to deal with the argument and within a few hours he was knocking on the front door. I didn’t want to answer it and when I did I almost told him he had the wrong house but just before I did mum said about it’s just for a short time until we have somewhere to live otherwise were going to be homeless” My hand on the handle and I imagined myself as a child again with no choice and switched off. Opened the door, he walked in, paid and took me upstairs…. Annnd, Im sure I don’t need to explain what happened behind closed doors but it wasn’t pleasant. Once he was done I saw him out and sprinted up the stairs to the shower where I scrubbed myself and my teeth clean and cried to myself. After, I headed down stairs to give her the money, she asked if I was okay, I wasn’t but I said yes anyway. She replied, “ Okay, Well I wasn’t sure how you were going to be after and some one is waiting for a reply for an appointment later today but I just wanted to make sure you were okay first….?” Standing there feeling quite insulted on the mare fact that 1, She’s made a profile up without my consent 2. Speaking and arranging a customer without me giving her the go ahead 3. For taking charge so easily that within a few hours of first having this conversation there is someone knocking on the poxy door to now having the damn audacity asking me am I ready for round 2!?!? If she wasn’t my mother…. I was sooo bloody angry with her, I just said “I’ll let you know in a bit, I need have a few errands to do first” I didn’t. I just needed to get out of the same building as her and her glaring eyes waiting for an answer. Got in the car and went and sat somewhere quite. Tears of anger streaming down my face in utter frustration with this women, I just cried and cried until I was just staring into space numb and frozen in my seat only snapping out because someone was coming passed with their dog. I started to really think about what just happened. How long would I have to do this for? How long before we made a deposit for somewhere to live? How much is a deposit? How many clients does it translate into? I just made £100 for 1 hour booking but he was only there for 35minutes. Is it really worth keeping the peace with mother because I was just about done with her negativity and the constant verbal lashings from her. Is it worth the peace? Yes, it is. Purely, for the peace. It don’t matter if you understand why your some ones verbal punchbag because what life has thrown at them, you can expect some frustrations but if your the only person who is there who else is going to share the brunt of it. We all take things out on those closest to us and we sometimes push them away even if we don’t mean to, when you do it to someone on a daily basis, it hammers you down and there comes a time that if you could do anything to make it stop, just for a little while, to have a break from it, to keep the peace, you would do it. So yes, its worth keeping the peace. Once I decided to suck it up and deal with it I started looking for houses and how much deposit roughly is needed and then I converted it to how many jobs that was and how many hours it was take to make the money. The main thing was getting them in and out as quick as possible. The less time I spent with these men the better.
Cleared the window screen and drove home and thought about the peace I would gain and the time frame of being out of here. I got home and told her, I don’t want to talk about it but go ahead with the next job and went up stairs to breath and to sort my cried out eyes.
Within 3 weeks I had made the money to get us out of there and we moved into a nice little 2 bedroom house. I decided to carry on for 1 more week so we could furnish the house as we had very little. Towards the end of that week she asked if I could carry on and pay her loans and credit cards off and then I can stay home to help her recover and we can live off of her credit cards until she’s recovered and can go back to work. I reluctantly agreed and worked for 3 more weeks to pay her credit cards and loans off then stopped the job. We we’re in a new house with new furniture and debt free. I felt I had done my part in sacrificing myself like she said I had to do. I wasn’t proud but I felt a sense of achievement for stepping up and getting us out considering where we were, now I can give her my undivided attention and recover without financial issues since I just paid everything off. Plus with her positive change in attitude I wanted to help her recover, she wasn’t a chore any more. She was more tolerable to live with and care for.
Nearly 2 years passed and she was fully recovered. She was capable again. And I looked forward to getting my life back again and looked forward to moving out. When DVLA sent her licence back it was confirmation for me that she was well enough to be left on her own. It was an exciting time. I found somewhere to live and moved out! It was a house share but the owner was never there so it was like having my own place but I didn’t care. I had my own front door. As much as I loved my mother it was a relief.
I was there a week, Mother phoned me in tears. The owners of the house have given her notice that they were selling the house and she needed to find somewhere else to live. I told her not to panic and that everything was going to be okay. Explained that we will get the deposit back and you can use that for a new place. After a lot of stress ( mostly unnecessary ) she found a place and was due to move in, she packed the house up and was ready to move… A day before said move she received a call from the estate agent stating that the owners have pulled out and no longer want to rent their home. Which meant because she had no where else to go she had to move in with me. I kinda told my landlord instead of asking since she didn’t have anywhere to go and that she was my mother. He was okay with it but wanted extra rent since she was taking another room which is fair enough. However, we didn’t expect her getting ill again. After a routine mammogram about 5 weeks after moving in she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our lives were about to be turned upside again. I feared I would have to care for her again but was unsure as I never knew what cancer was about. I most certainly did not expect what was about to come. We had many trips to the hospital before treatment and was told what to expect and they explained that treatment would make all her hair fall off which sent her hysterical especially as she was someone lucky enough to have natural long blonde hair and it was her pride and joy. The thought of it falling out for her made her lose control of herself. She stormed out the doctors office saying she wasn’t having treatment if its going to make her hair fall out. After some calming down and reconsideration she returned to accept treatment.
At her first chemotherapy treatment she had to share a room with other cancer patients to have treatment. They were all very ill and when you walk in you do get the sense of “ you don’t know what is about to hit you” They have this same look of sorrow and sympathy for new comers not knowing… She has her session and we went home, things seemed okay at first. It was just like someone who was drunk, It was kinda a giggle at first, that was until you can see them suddenly projectile all over the place! Puke everywhere! Cleaned her up and put her to bed and that’s where she stayed for 3 weeks. Every 4th week was treatment week. On treatment weeks over time you could understand the look on cancer patients faces and the atmosphere in the treatment room when someone new comes in. Nobody, warned us or prepared us for what was to come with cancer. It was absolutely horrid. You literally watch it take the life of someone to the very edge with no guarantee of survival. On the other hand, I’m thinking how have I gone from moving out and getting my life back to her now living with me and now caring for her again. I felt quite selfish but that’s how I felt.
We cracked on with treatment for a few more months and then she had to have a mastectomy because treatment hadn’t worked and they needed to remove the tumour. This didn’t go down to well with her. Especially as she felt she had lost here hair for nothing when she would of just had the mastectomy instead since the treatment has made her muscles weak and was wheel chair and bed bound. The day she found out about having a mastectomy so was very angry and bitter, I could sense a vent was coming from her, time to be her verbal punchbag again. One minute she’s crying and wants a hug from you and then next minute you have a plate thrown at you followed by verbal abuse.
In the mean time, our landlord had come home and wasn’t to happy and felt his home has been taken over. I explained that we have been unfortunate with health recently but we are on the mend now and that the bedroom will be restored to the way it was before once she’s well enough to leave… He wasn’t to happy and asked that we both find somewhere else to live which I took offence to because we pay our rent, were never late and I can’t help medical situations. He said that his house smells like a care home and wont put up with it. Now, I was reallllly offended because he made me feel like were dirty people when I know were not. He didn’t understand that were not dirty people but chemotherapy makes people smell and they cant help it… Well he wasn’t having non of it. He didnt want either of us there and hat was that.
I asked her for the deposit money from the old house that she was going to use to move in with on her new house that fell through to go look for somewhere else to live and she reveals there isn’t any deposit money because she spent it all because her credit cards were maxed out again already. I asked her where the money had gone because there was more than enough to live on for a couple of years, especially as the bank upped her credit limit for paying it all off before!!! I was livid and told her that now she’s going to have to deal with carers because I have to go back to work and there is no way I’m going back to that job! I was so angry I demanded to know where all the money had gone all she kept on saying “ its the cost of living it all adds up” which I felt was BULL! I knew how much money were on those credit cards and there was no way we had done it all. I blurted out “ you selfish bitch “ Not only can you not support yourself physically again, were practically homesless again and no fucking money again – WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ALL THE MONEY!?!?! I Shouted so loud and angrily I scared myself and she started crying. And I instantly felt bad. No one wants to make their ill mother cry but I wasn’t going back to that job. I went to the housing council to seek help, based on her health alone all that they could offer is a communal home for the homeless. Our landlord wasn’t being very sympathetic and requested for us to be out ASAP. I put all our stuff in storage and moved us into the homeless centre where we had to share a 1 bedroom bedsit with 2 single beds and small kitchen and a communal toilet/shower room which was fun trying to get her in there at 4am if she needed the loo…
We had to live on top of each other and out of suitcases after a few days I had a breakdown – I was so close to having my life back and going back to work and now I’m homeless with a sick parent and have to live like this for 3 months before we get housed somewhere. And even then we have no money because she’s maxed out the cards again which was still nagging me to where it had all gone… I knew I was going to have to go back to the job but I couldn’t do it from a homeless house and then it clicked. Doing out calls means I have to go to the customers house which was pretty freaking scary as you didn’t know what you could be walking into but you had extra safety feature within the website to protect yourself should anything go wrong and the police have to be notified but it also means I get out of here and away from her now and then like a rest bite. The thought of doing nothing and stuck in that room with her was depressing,. So I sucked it up and dealt with it again. Okay, It wasn’t the best solution but when you’re feeling stuck you do anything just to feel unstuck for a short time and if I’m honest, I was grateful for the time I wasn’t around her.
So I started outcalls, visiting their homes. Which somehow felt safer maybe because they didn’t know where I live. I had a choice and some sort of control to what services I provided. Some times when the customer was not my type, I’d take their money first and to avoid sleeping with them i’d request they join me in the shower, I’d get undressed slowly and I’d wait until they were naked and wet so they couldn’t chased me out there house with their money when I did a runner. They didn’t know where I lived and their not exactly going to go to the police. Yea, I felt bad stealing their money but they didn’t feel bad about paying me for it so I didn’t let it bother me so much plus it meant I didn’t have to touch them or vice versa and for me that’s more important. Anyway, 3 months passed. I paid her debts off again. And the council moved us into a 2 bedroom house were she can recover from this breast cancer. And I carried on working until she was recovered enough to physically support herself again. By now, I had been looking after her and financially supporting her via escorting for 4 years, I was 22! I was bitter, angry, frustrated. This was not at the top of my careers list, not by a long shot! I already knew I wasn’t going to get far in life because of the lack of education I had because of being robbed of it in my childhood. I was feeling like my childhood was robbed and so was the most important years of my life are to! I was getting sad & depressed I got involved with some heavy drugs after a client offered and after some time my mental state starting downward spiralling until one day I took a blade to my wrists and attempted to kill myself. My dear old mother says “ What the hell have you got to be down about? You have your life and your health unlike me! If anyone should be thinking about killing themselves it should be me for everything that I have been through, don’t you think I’ve been through enough to warrant that?” Before I could say anything she shouted “ And stop trying to gain attention for yourself, its across for attention and long ways for results!” And slammed the door on her way out. I was mortified. I said in my head what I would have said to her if I had the chance to get a word in “ Its because of you, You C**t that I’m in this situation. Its because of you my mental state is all out of whack. Because your making me do this job and be your carer and your spiteful venom you spit at me when your having a bad day which was like every damn day, its un fucking bearable- Cant you see I would rather be dead than be looking after your ungrateful ass” Obviously, I couldn’t say this to her because she is my mother after all. I just laid there crying into my pillow and feel asleep for a while. I woke still crying knowing I had to go the hospital embarrassed by my actions. After being stitched up the Mental Heath Team visited me, They were trying to be really supportive but I didn’t see the point. There was nothing they could do even if I did talk. I’m already embarrassed enough sitting her with attempted suicide plastered to my arms without telling them I’m a prostitute with a drug problem! It wouldn’t of changed anything back at home, when I leave here I still have to go home and see to her, listen to her bollocks, make her food, clean the house, run errands, do that fucking job and put up with her bitter mouth and ungratefulness. So, I kept quite. Said I was fine. “I scared myself straight. It wont happen again”. And declined there help. I didn’t need their help to find out what the problem is. I knew what the problem was. It was her, that dear old mother of mine. Somehow, I found the strength to go home and say nothing. I walked through the door and she called me into the living room demanding to know what happened at the hospital and what was all this all about? I could feel the fire in my belly about to ignite and explode at her but I had to remember that we wouldn’t be like this if she wasn’t ill, she cant help the way mother nature intended for her health to be so sucked it up and dealt with it again. I said “ It don’t matter, do you need anything, drink? Something to eat?” I wanted to give her everything she needs for at least a few hours. I didn’t want to see her or talk to her. I needed time to myself without her annoying patronizing voice in my ears. I got her what she wanted and disappeared upstairs and that’s where I stayed for a almost a month occasionally popping down to see if she needed anything. I stopped being in her company and I stopped general conversation with her. I made sure everything was done around the house as quick as possible just to get back upstairs, the less time spent around her the better. In that month upstairs I mostly cried and slept withdrawing myself from the drugs. If there is anything I don’t want to give her something to moan about its drugs. She’s never touched them and she’s never touched alcohol. The moaning I would get if I had a drink, if she found out about the drugs I know it would have given her the ammo to say “ well that’s why you’re trying to kill yourself, its the drugs I told you about drugs all your life at what point did you want to listen to me” and the drugs would have got the blame for my attempted suicide and not her. So I didn’t say anything about it and dealt with it myself. The first 2 weeks were the hardest but I eventually won that battle but the depression was still there. Now the feelings and emotions are more intensified because the drugs weren’t there to cover them up. I still felt trapped. I was desperate to have my own life but I was doing this on my own. I already told her I wouldn’t put her in a home and if I did she’d hate me and would never forgive me and I cant just leave. So once again I’m compromising and decided to carry on with the job until once again she was better. I went down stairs and told her that as soon as she gets all clear from the doctors that I’m moving out. Her response was “ Well I kinda gathered that, you ain’t given a shit about me for the last 4 weeks, what makes you think you even give a shit when I’m better” “Stupid bitch” I thought to myself. Ain’t no one been here for you except me for the last 4 years at what point do you think I don’t give a shit. Luckily, Id given myself a good talking to before I came downstairs and was fully prepared for some kind of venom. It made it easier to walk away leaving her hanging without a response.
Months passed with the silent treatment but I made sure I gave her nothing to moan about. I carried on working and supporting her as promised and made sure everything was in order. That was until we were forced to talk when I had to call an ambulance for her because of chest pains. I’m not going to lie, I kinda hoped it was the end for her but it wasn’t. Turns out that chest pain she had was Lung Cancer! – My.World.Crumbled.- How? How have I been sooo close to getting my life back TWICE and denied twice. What have I done so bloody wrong to deserve this. I wasn’t not one bit sad for her at all. I was sad for me because I knew it meant more treatment, more care for her, more puke, more piss and more shit everywhere and more of that poxy fucking job!!! Why? How? She was only A month or 2 max. away from being cleared. I had been strong with the reward of moving out for so long just to have that time frame extended to another year! And then I realised that her body hasn’t fully recovered and if she goes another round of treatment for a different cancer now she surely wouldn’t ever recover – Her muscles have been obliterated by previous chemotherapy treatment, what hope is there? Especially as the doctor said he wants to give her chemotherapy and radiotherapy and believe me when I say that no one and nothing can prepare you for the side effects that came with radiotherapy.
She now was completely bed bound and wheel chair bound Annnnd completely and entirely 100% now dependent and reliable on me 24/7 for everything!. Which meant no moving out, no getting life back and still doing that fucking job! The treatments were harsh on her, anyone just had to look at her to see that. I was trying to figure out how much longer she had left, I was being generous and gave her 5 years which would have made me 30. I wasn’t happy to do this another 5 years but decided if she was still alive and kicking when I was 30 no matter what she said she was going in a home.
But that year proved, she wasn’t going to make 5 years. She had a lump on her head that came up suddenly, it wasn’t a cancerous lump. It was called a rodent ulcer. Although it wasn’t a cancer it was still something just a spiteful. A Rodent ulcer once they have broken the surface of the skin they eat there way back down. Hers was on her head so it would have eventually got to her brain. So more treatment. At this point in time I didn’t care, the more treatments the less her life span gets the sooner I can quit this job and get my life back. As selfish as that sounds, I was so freaking done.
Shortly after, she went blind in one eye. The result of nerve damage when she had the brain haemorrhage. Shortly after that her stomach ballooned up and doctors had no explanation for it therefore no treatment for it either. She had no control of her bowls, had to start wearing adult nappies that would need changing regularly as everything just went straight through her. Because of all the chemicals from treatment it smelt so bad, I needed a bucket which was for me to puke into when I had to change her. This is NOT what I wanted to be doing with my life. The best years of my life 18-25 have vanished doing this when I should have been out exploring life and having fun, travelling, concerts, festivals, holidays etc. I knew this was it now until she died but I sensed it wouldn’t be long to the point of preparing myself before I come down in the morning just in case she passed during the night. Coming down the stairs to the living room door, hand on the handle and take a deep breath and expect the worse Or if I’m coming home from somewhere, deep breathing walking up the pathway, another deep breath putting the key in the door. Even though I was super bitter towards our situations and events throughout the last 7-8 years she was still my mother that I could see was dying. Despite the last few years I was still sad, sad that she had to spend her last few years of her life in this mess, sad that her suffering and pain had been dragged out this long but on the other side of me I was excited at the thought of having my life back, finally being able to crack on with ME.
October’12, One night, I suggested that it might be nice to have a sleep in her own bed upstairs, I said that I would carry her up upstairs for it and that she might be more comfortable getting a decent nights sleep in her own bed. Ya’know, how we all like our own beds. I eventually got her up stairs, she was easy to carry because she was just skin and bone from all the treatment. I settled her in for the night and got an early night myself. During the night I could hear her calling me, I rushed into her room and she had slipped down in her bed and couldn’t pull herself back up. I sorted her out and sat on the edge of the bed with her. She was a little upset but not like normal. I asked her what’s wrong? She said ‘ I know’ What do you know, I replied. She said “ I know I haven’t got long left, I can feel it” I didn’t know what to say! She went on and explained that she slid down in her bed on purpose because the mist was going to get her. Confused I asked her what she meant. She said, “Someone was standing in the corner but they were gone when I opened my eye properly and then there was black mist swirling around the ceiling, I got scared and tried getting under the covers but got stuck getting up again but I know I have to leave soon because someone’s waiting for me” I just stared at her totally gob smacked and freaked out. I did not know what to say! Apart from that it was just a bad dream, Tucked her back in again and went to go back to bed, just as I was about to close the door she said to leave it open and leave the landing light on. Officially freaked out I scattered back and jumped into bed as quick as possible, with the covers over me with one eye keeping watch through the peep hole, Lol.
In went into her the next morning and carried her downstairs. As soon as I put her on the bed she started fitting. I called an ambulance and they took her in. She was was alert again by the time we got to the hospital. They gave her loads of tests and found that she has a cancerous Brain Tumour with the news of that the mass was too big to treat and that she has 6months max to live! All she said was “I told you I didn’t have much longer left” I felt so bad for her because now hearing those words “ 6 months to live” from the doctors mouth rubber stamped that my mum wasn’t going to be here soon and I felt bad that she has to go like this and for all bad stuff she’s been through with her health. It didn’t matter what I had been through at this moment I time, My mum was dying.
I took her home and decided that because past Christmases she would be too weak or in hosiptal to celebrate it we decided that since this was going to be her last Christmas we would make it special and we did. Got a tree, decorated it and the house, lots of flashy lights and Christmas ornaments, tinsel galore, a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and best of all Christmas songs! After we had all eaten and everything cleared away she had a kip, well I thought she was asleep but she must have been going down memory lane or something because she just woke up and burst into tears. I just thought it was because she knew it was her last Christmas and that she was scared about dying as that would be utterly understandable but all she kept on saying was “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I thought she was saying this because of everything she has put me through the last 8years looking after her but now looking back, I now know what the reason was for her tears. (Which will be explained in the next blog for it to make sense)
Anyway, we have a nice Christmas and she makes it to the new year. The intensity of when I have to get up in the mornings has got almost unbearable not knowing if I’m about to open the door to her passing or not. Since she knew she was close to dying she started to have friends come see her to say bye ETC. – One weekend, a friend of hers comes to stay, Berni. She’s been in my life all my life so she was one of mums best friends but she had come to stay for a few days so I decided to pop out for some me time only I didn’t get to my destination because I had a car accident, I wasn’t wearing a seat belt and was flung to the other side of the car and knocked myself out. I woke up to a nice lovely yummy fireman and stars! They had to cut my roof off my car to get me out, neck brace round my neck, strapped to a backboard. I was very lucky to have walk out the hospital the next day.
1st week of January my Car got stolen 2nd week in January I had a car accident in my other car & 3rd week of January Mum Died.
One morning she sits up in bed and says “ I think its time I go into a hospice” I knew what this meant but couldn’t help thinking “oh now, you want to have carers” Anyway I rang the hospice and made arrangements to have her taken in. She had an hour to get ready as she was booked in as a priority patent. She had to go into hospital first to have a few checks done before she went into the hospice. We were sitting ( my brother who I didn’t have a great relationship with at the time ) on a ward next to her bed, having a laugh and a giggle etc. We were there until late and I had to head home because the dogs had been left on their own all day and night. I gave kisses and cuddles and said see you in the morning, with a little wave through the window just as she is no long in sight. With her waving back with a little smile on her face. The next day I had received a call from my brother saying mums unconscious and might not wake up and the Dr. has said that if you want to do goodbyes now is the time to do it. I couldn’t have got to that hospital any sooner if I tried! I found her in a coma, the doctors said that there’s nothing they can do apart from make her as comfortable as possible until her passing. I was okay, I guess I had plenty of mental preparation because of not knowing if was going be walking into her in the mornings and not being with us any more or not. I sat with her for 18hrs until my eyes couldn’t stay open any more. I said to my brother that I’m going for a lay down in the family room, stay with her as I don’t want her passing on her own. This was at 6.50am. By 7.45am I was being woken saying that mum has passed, I jumped up and ran down the corridor to her room, my brother said he just went for a coffee, he was less than 5 mins but she died on her own. (at the time this mad me angry but now because of what I know I’m glad she died on her own)
Anyway, It hit me. I’m free! As sad and as selfish as this is that she’s just died, I felt nothing but relief! People thought I burst into tears because my mother had just died but I’m not ashamed to say I was happy to finally have my life back. No more selling myself was the biggest factor. The day she died was the day it stopped. Call me selfish but I wasn’t crying for her, I was crying happy tears for me. At the time, of course I loved my mum, my loyalty and dedication to her over the last 8 years proves that but my god it had been the worst years of my life, I probably could have dealt with working a normal job and looking after her if she had only accepted carers but her asking me and pushing me into prostitution I was and still am super super bitter about especially recently founding out that I never even had to do that job, EVER!!
Since she had a really bad last few years of her life I wanted to make her funeral special, which I did. A horse drawn carriage, top of the range coffin and a big do after, all of which I’m still in debt for today. She was cremated 2 days after my 26th birthday.
A few days later I had a visit from the council, they explained I had to move out and that they will re-house me to give this house to a family who needs the space. So this forced me to go through all her stuff where I found 3 insurance books. One for her, one for me and one for my brother. She had been paying into these accounts since we were born, my brother is also 11 years older than me. I could see how much she had been paying in every month all these years from the statements and it was a substantial life changing amount. I called the details of the company, explained what happened, gave them the reference numbers and the lady says “ I’m sorry but there is nothing to be returned as the accounts were cleared out 4 years ago!!!” WHAT!?!? This immediately raised questions “ where has all this money gone???” Why did I have to sell myself if she had access to this much money??? I’m not joking, It was a massive amount But I couldn’t investigate as I had a whole house to go through plus a garage and 3 sheds and move myself into somewhere new. I just didn’t have time.
About 2 months after moving into my new place, I had a phone call from Berni, Mums best friend. Some how we got onto the topic of my childhood and the sexual abuse and I mentioned about there being an argument when I was 12 years old but I don’t know what it was about but I just know that never saw Dave or Joan again, and she replies with her exact words being “ well that’s what the argument was about because mum found out that Dave was touching you so she kicked them out” My exact reply was “ Hold on a minute, I didn’t tell mum what was going on until I was 14 years old, so are you telling me she already knew when I was 12 years old? Her exact reply was “ Well, she told me at the time the argument happened, so yea I guess she did. My reply was “ What!!! And you both done nothing????” I didn’t wait for a reply, the phone got put down on her, I was shaking, I was fuming, I could literally feel my brain over loading, the room was spinning but my emotions were in slow motion, loads of flash backs and heaps and heaps of questions. Why didn’t she go to the police? Why didn’t she get me health checked? Counselling? If she already knew what had been happening to me at 12 years old when I didn’t tell her what had been going on until I was 14 WHY didn’t she do something? And raised separate questions of Why have I been giving her all my money if she had all this other money in savings? Why did I have to pay her credit cards and loans off? AND most of all, Why did I ever have to sell myself? Things just didn’t make sense.
And from this moment, I was slung into a spiral of depression worse than ever before…..
Next I’ll be writing about:
- How I coped and how I pulled myself through.
- How I investigated my whole life to reveal the truth behind her sex ring
- Coming to terms, getting closure and how I obtained revenge on my dear ol’ dead mother
- And how I turned it all around and beat the odds….
Until next time,