So, growing up wasn’t easy for me. At the time it was easy because it was normal. I didn’t know any different. Until i grew up and friends would be telling me what they got up to. What shopping center they all hung out at. How great there birthday party was and all the gifts they received and holidays they’d been on and i started wondering why my life was so different. I don’t remember exciting birthday parties, or gifts or holidays. I knew our lives were different but I never knew how much different. I started noticing the connections between mother and child among my school friends and remember feeling jealous. Parents would be happy to pick their children up from school, all kisses and cuddles and smiles and happy to see each other. But my mother wouldn’t be there to greet me like that. She”d either be waiting in the car moaning at how long its taken me to get out or she wouldn’t be there at all and i’d have to walk home. So, i knew i never had that mother daughter connection, among-st many other reasons.
When i was 5 years old. I fractured my fibular, snapped my tibuler in my leg and cracked my growth plate in my knee after playing tag on the school field. I fell down a small hole and the chasing boy behind me fell on top of my leg snapping it backwards. The dinner ladies picked me up and moved me to the library where i waited for my mum and paramedics. When she eventually got there i was expecting some loving. Obviously I’m a hysterically scared and in pain 5year old – you wouldn’t expect my behavior to be any thing less. I didn’t get any loving or and hugs. I got told to calm down and stop making so much noise because its embarrassing her. I don’t remember much after that. I woke up with a full leg plaster. Toes to Hip. After being discharged and sent home. Mum was panicking over not being able to work and look after me at the same time so she had arranged some friends from Devon to come and live in and look after me. David & Joan. My dad wasn’t really around anymore. I got to see him weekends when it suited my dear mother!
They were nice at first. Joan and I would bake cakes and make biscuits. And David was always working so never really saw him. But, they moved in and mum carried on working during the week and at her boyfriends the weekends – She would come home weekday evenings and depending what time she got home i might see her, i might not because of having to go to bed etc.
Some time had passed and my leg was out of plaster. I still need to have reconstructive surgery as my leg started growing wonky because of the cracked growth plate – to fix it they had to re break my bones and set metal plates in – i need to have this every 5 years until i stopped growing. But this was an inconvenience for dear mother and let Dave and Joan move in permanently. Which at the time everything was fine, they were great. It was nice finally having someone greet me like they were happy to see me at the school gates, mostly Joan but never Dave until he was made redundant and he started picking me up. I was excited because I knew someone was picking me up but didn’t know who whether it was Dave or Joan and it was a nice surprise to look forward to as a kid especially when you were used to having no one pick you up.
One day it was Dave, usual walk home asking about my day and what i learnt. Nothing unusual. We got home and told me to change out of my uniform were going to take the dogs for a walk. Well, we used to live next to some woods. The street would all be playing through it in the summer – hid and seek – runs out etc so i knew my way around it. Half way walking through it David stops me and kneels on his knees and tells me not to move. His face came attached to mine with his big slobbery lips all over my face. He said ” Don’t tell mummy or i’ll kill her ” You can imagine whats going through a 5 year old’s head at that moment. Scared in case you get kill mummy by telling someone what just happened so you have to stay quite. It’s now became a regular thing, if it was him that was picking me up after school i know that we’d be detouring through the woods where he’d do exactly the same with his big slobbery lips again. It went on for months. Now, i wished no one was picking me up from school again. The excitement had turned into dread to who was picking me up. In the end, It was always David.
It was time for my reconstructive op which i had been looking forward because I knew I would be having time off school and wouldn’t need picking up and i’d be at home with Joan for the next 6 weeks or that someone would always be around. This time I only had a half plaster ( toes to knee ) One day, Mum and Joan decided to go bingo! Leaving David to sit me. I felt because I had broken leg with fresh plates in and a plaster on he might feel sorry for me and leave me alone. But, I was wrong, They could barely be out of the road when he pounces. He must of been rubbing his hands when he knew he was going to be sitting me alone in the house for the night with no one to stop him. He sat next to me on the sofa picking my leg up to put on his lap and starting stroking the top of my thigh. Its never gone this far before, I was scared to do so but i pushed his hand away and in that same moment he snap slapped my hand and started to put his hand down my plaster cast. I had an 11inch freshly opened scar with stitches less than a few days old and he pinched it so hard it bruised that i still have today, i was in was instant pain and instant tears with his other hand he grabbed my face and said ” Dont you ever do that again or i will defiantly kill mummy and you’ll never see her again ” Push me back and proceeded with his hands where they shouldn’t be. He stood up, pulled his trousers down, got his (man-thing) out and started wanking. Told me lift my nighty up and he ejaculated over my chest and belly. Got him self dressed, got some baby wipes, threw them at me and told me to clean myself up. I was desperate to tell someone but knew I couldn’t because i didn’t want mum to die. The week after they’re off to bingo again and low and behold i was being used as his Ejac-Rag again. oh guess what, the week after they’re off to bingo again, and the week after that and the week after that so it became a regular thing again for months!
I was out of plaster and back at school David was back at work and things went back to normal for a little while. My bed used to be in my mothers room – she always left the door open – The spare room where they used to sleep was across the landing – David used to finish early hours – he got into the habit of waking me up as he could see me from where my bed was and got me out of bed when he got home and take me into his room. His hands all over where they shouldn’t be and his stuff going where it shouldn’t be going -and his hands over my face to stop me making any noise – and now this has become routine – How did no one here nothing? Well, they did! but i’ll come to that later.
One morning – he gets me into his room – i sensed somethings different – I was more scared than usual – he was getting fully undressed which he never did – told me to get into his bed which i never did as it was always on top of the covers – and for the first time ever in over 3 years of this torrid abuse he penetrates me! It was so painful – but i couldn’t scream as he put a sock on my mouth and then covered it with his hands. I could barely breath let alone scream with his fat arse squashing me. Again, Became routine.
Getting home in the morning then again when i got picked up from school and then again once a week for bingo! Which would of been 3 time that day.. It became very normal in the end. Years it went on and I couldn’t say nothing not because he threatened to kill her but I felt no one would believe me and because I never said nothing for so long I didn’t want people to think I must of liked it. Obviously, I didn’t! I was just a child! Especially, as we had just done sex education at school and stranger danger and what rape was and what pedophiles were- Imagine yourself in school and realizing that you’ve been getting raped daily by a pedophile – in a classroom 30 strong of people and you have to be as composed as possible because you don’t want people finding out because it’s embarrassing. But, at least i knew what what happening to me and why i felt so different to everyone else. Why i didn’t fit in.
At around 12 years old there was an argument and I never saw him again. I never knew what the argument was about and I didn’t care either. I just knew it was over. My head was buggered but it was over. I didn’t tell no one what had been going on for the last 7 years until i was 14 years old and I told mum everything. Her response was: Well its too late to do anything about it now, you should of told me sooner. Plus do you really want to re-live it all again and embarrass yourself in court? “To which i replied: ” No” And it was brushed under to rug and left alone. No consoling, No police, No health check no nothing, Not even a hug! and life went on.
Then my daddy died shortly after. I found out from his new girlfriend after she left a message on the answer machine. I started dropping out of school, bunking, smoking, drinking, drugging. I was getting bullied and one day beaten up by 6 other girls. Kicked, punched and stamped on. Everyone just watched and done nothing. I’d never had a fight in my life, iv’e never been taught how to stand up for myself. I was black and blue & my eyes swollen, my lips cut and large boulder swollen lumps all over my head. A friends dad scooped me off the floor and went to take me home. Only he turned the wrong way and took me to a lorry park in burnt mills where he parked up and tried it on with me. I was beaten black and blue, blood all over me and he wants to try it on!! This time I actually said ” No, Please take me home ” and he stopped and said “Okay” and took me home. I walked through the door and mum screams ” What the F*ck have you taken now, F*uck off upstairs , I don’t want to see you right now ” I couldn’t even say to her ” Mum, look at me. Its not drugs. Iv’e just had 10 bells kicked out of me ” before she screams ” OUT!!!!” She didn’t even come to see if i was okay or to clean my wounds or take me to hospital to make sure i was okay. She got up as usual in the next morning and went to work without a care in the world…
Among-st other stuff that went on – I was struggling with my weight after they left and put on heaps of weight. This was embarrassing for mum. I was put on a diet and locks went on the cupboards and she would take the keys with her- she would leave me rashens out but if I ate them and she was having a late night I would have to wait till she got home which could be anything like 10-11oclock at night. Rashens would be 2 slices of bread without butter, warm ham as the fridge was locked and some veggie sticks. I remember being so hungry one day my 1 friend brought down sandwiches and crisps and stuff from her house, And if she forgot to leave me something out then my friend would share her dinner with me. Best friend ever! (L.P if you ever read this – Thank you ) ……. I’m kinda angry writing this bit at this point because even if she didn’t know what was going on with the sexual abuse you don’t treat your child like this. It was like she now had a damaged goods child why should she bother. Iv’e never really felt the love from my mother anyway but how much must she dislike me as a daughter to treat me like this. The dogs got treated better than me, as least they had dog food left down for them for the day. Anyway at 17 years old i was already 18 stone!!! And that was a huge embarrassment for my dear ol’ mother…..!
I’m going to leave it here for now. Coming in the next blog is 18-26.
- How my life was put on hold through a brain hemorrhage, breast cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer and brain tumors
- How i was pushed into prostitution
- How my mother was my secret pimp
- And… how she met her D Day!
Next Installment Coming Soon…..
Thanks for reading
Adios For Now